But the other side to each passing year is that I am one year closer to finally getting to see you again! And not just see you, but hold you and get to know you! It is so hard to have a child that you never got to know.
I wonder what you would look like. Your dad? Me? Or perhaps one of your siblings? Would you have blond hair like most of your brothers and sisters do or would you be like Cori with dark, almost black hair? I'd bet he'd like to have a brother who shared his hair color. I'm sure you'd have beautiful, blue eyes. . .all of your siblings do. But would they be more grey like mine and Sterling's or a bright blue like Emmy's or Cori's? Would you have a lot of freckles across your nose like Emmy, Sterling or Kailyn or just a few? I try to imagine you but I just can't. I only see the impossibly, tiny baby that I briefly held and tried to memorize in those very short hours before we had to leave.
And what would you be like? Would you love soccer and sports? Or would you prefer music and books? Or a combination? Would you be a momma's boy or a daddy's boy? What would your favorite subject be in school? Would you be a cuddler like Eddie and Joe? Who would you be?
I think the thing that I look most forward to is one day getting to hug and kiss you! To look into your eyes and hear you say "I love you, Mom". To finally get to discover who my little boy is. I don't know you but I love you as much as I love any of your siblings and I just can't wait to find out who you are.
I hope that you know that I think of you every day, and that is not an exaggeration. Not a day passes that you aren't in my thoughts. You are as much a part of me as each of your brothers and sisters. I love you because you are my son.
I wish so much that you were here, and that I could watch as you grow up. I wish that I had more memories of you than just a lifeless body. What I would have given to have had even a few moments with you in this life! To have felt your breath and heard your heartbeat! It is so hard that those are experiences that I will wait a lifetime to have!
One day, though, I will have them. . .it may seem like an eternity, but someday I'll look back on this and realize that it was just a blink.
Thank you for all the things that you taught me about being a mom and appreciating the moments that I do have. Because of you, I learned how to understand grief in a new way and to really empathize with those who have gone through the loss of a child. I've learned that even though no two circumstances are the same, the loss of a child whether in pregnancy or after birth, is the same. It is the grieving of all the things that we will miss. Breaths, heartbeats, first smiles, first words or steps, riding a bike, going to school, dating, weddings and grandchildren. All those milestones and memories that inevitably are lost with the death of a child, those are what we grieve. We don't grieve the memories we already have, just the chance to make more.
I miss you baby boy! More than I could ever tell you! More than I could even hope to show you! You are my sorrow and my joy; my despair and my hope. You are the child we never had, the one that we let go and said goodbye to before we ever got to say hello. Yet, you're the one that is always with us. I carried you while your heart beat and now I carry you in my heart.
I love you sweet angel! And someday, our family will be together forever but until then, know that you are loved and never forgotten!!