Monday, June 29, 2015

Happy Belated 5th Birthday Eddie!!

This is late, I know. Unfortunately, June 25th this year was a very hard day for our family. I had to have an emergency surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy and have been recovering from that. But, now that I'm feeling a little better here's Eddie's birthday post.

It's finally happened! All my kiddos are officially school age! My baby has decided to turn 5 years old and I just can't believe it!

Watching him grow up has been such a joy and pleasure to me. He is smart, silly and perhaps just a little spoiled and bossy. ;-) As the baby in the family he is pretty much everyone's favorite and can do no wrong, which is why he gets away with so much.

He has these big, beautiful, blue eyes that melt my heart! And he has this smirk that he gives you when he's up to something. He also likes to make funny faces and see if you laugh at him. He is just a goof ball!

He is also a momma's boy. . . more so than any of my other kids have ever been. When he gets hurt, he wants mommy. When he's sleepy he wants to cuddle with mommy. And when he wakes up in the middle of the night he crawls into bed in between Rob and I and grabs my pinky finger and goes back to sleep. I love when he cuddles up to me when he wakes up and says, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" He is the quintessential baby of the family!

This past year he had surgery to fix his umbilical hernia which he got through with flying colors! He played soccer for the first year and loved it! He loved running up and down the field kicking the ball and being like his big brothers and sisters. He also made leaps and bounds in school. He loved going to preschool everyday for a few hours and hanging out with his friends and he learned so much! By the end of the year he not only knew his colors, shapes and letters, but he knew all the letter sounds and was able to sound out words and read! I wish I could take credit for it but the truth is, it was his amazing teachers who taught him.

He is such a fun little boy! And I'm so grateful that he's ours. He brings so much joy to our family! He makes us laugh and drives us crazy all at the same time. He loves his brothers and sisters and loves to be the center of attention. Outside, he loves to play soccer, basketball, swim and ride his bike. When he's in the house, he can be found playing beyblades, Wii, or playing with one of his brothers or sisters. He is so anxious to grow up and be one of the big kids, but this momma would really like him to slow down becuase he's our last. Every time he accomplishes a new first, it's a last for me and I just want to pretend that he'll always be my little boy. So, slow down growing up Eddie Spaghetti! We're not ready for you to be the big boy you already are but we love you soooo much!!

 All About Me
1. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? You (mom)!
2 What is your favorite color? Red and Blue
3. What is your favorite show? Beywheelz
4. What is your favorite outfit? I don't know.
5. What song do you love best? I am a Child of God
6. What's your favorite cereal? Froot Loops
7. Who's your best friend? Mom
8. What do you want to be when you grow up? Do jobs
9. What's your favorite book? Dinosaurs
10. What are you really good at? I'm good at soccer
11. Where do you want to go on vacation? Go out for Dinner
12. What would you buy if you had $100? Buying Candy!
13. What do you do for fun? Playing at parks
14. What is your favorite animal? Tigers and Lions
15. Why do you want to be a 5 year old? Becuase I can have dollars and quaters.

And now her perceptions of us:

All about My Mom
1. How old is your Mom? Umm...34.
2. What is your Mom's favorite color? Pink
3. What is your Mom's favorite food? Pancakes
4. How tall is your Mom? 11 size
5. What shoe size does she wear? 32
6. What is her favorite TV show? I don't know, Mom.
7. What time does your Mom wake up in the morning? 39
8. What does you Mom do while you're at school? Goes to the store
9. What is your Mom's first name?umm, Jennifer
10. What do you like best about your mom? Umm...doing bike rides

All about your Dad
1. How old is your dad? 40
2. How much does dad weigh? One hundred forty thirty
3. What is Dad's favorite food? Peaches
4. How strong is your Dad? 44
5. What's Dad's job? Doing Kitchen
6. What does Dad do at work? He gets stuff
7. What is your favorite thing to do with Dad? Help him.
8. How tall is your Dad? 49
9. What do you like best about your Dad? Squirting me
10. What is your Dad's first name? um...I don't know...umm...Rob


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Not Again! Please, Not Again!

Last Tuesday I found out that I was pregnant. Yep, again. I think it's safe to say that at least one of my tubes is no longer tied. Granted, it was not in our plans to have more kids but I can't say that I was too upset. I mean, who doesn't like babies?!?

I was excited...well, mostly excited anyway. I admit that the thought of having to start over with a baby wasn't exactly what I had in mind. But I was willing!

But then, today, the spotting started...again.

How many times will I go through this?
At what point is it enough?
Pregnant again!! Yay!!
Bleeding again! NOOO!!
What is the purpose in all this?
A million questions and so few answers.
Crying, begging, pleading...didn't I JUST do this not so long ago???
Not again!! Oh, please, NOT AGAIN!
Just how much of this can I take?
How many times do I have to go through this roller coaster? I'm done! I'm tired of it! I WANT OFF!
If only it were that easy.

So far the ultrasound they did today didn't reveal anything. No visible baby in or outside of my uterus. Unfortunately, this isn't helpful. The baby could still be too small or it could have stopped developing or never developed enough. Double unfortunately, due to my tubal ligation, I'm at an increased risk for an ectopic pregnancy. So even though they can't see anything it could be implanted in my tube or somewhere else and it could rupture. Which, by the way, is bad...leads to things like internal bleeding and emergency surgeries and stuff. Things that most people generally try to avoid.

So here I am again...playing the waiting game. The doctor ordered blood tests to see where my hcg levels are. If the numbers are up where we'd expect to see them, there might be a chance that things are ok. If they are low, it could mean the pregnancy is failing or that it's an ectopic. If they're lower than my last test it would indicate a miscarriage although it wouldn't rule out an ectopic.

Waiting....waiting....waiting. I HATE WAITING! (Perhaps you can tell that patience isn't one of my strengths?)
I'd say I can't do this again, but frankly, I don't have a choice. Whatever happens, happens and I'm just along for the ride. A long ride down a rough, lonely and emotionally draining road. There's no way around this...I just have to walk it. I HATE THIS!!


My heart hurts. I'm pretty sure it's broken in billions of pieces. It seems so unfair! (Yeah, I know, life's not fair! I'm still going to complain about it though!) I want this baby. I want to NOT lose another one. Why did I let myself have hope? It's not supposed to be like this. I want to just go back to when pregnancy = baby. That innocence is so precious and losing it affects every pregnancy from then on. And if you're unlucky enough to be one of the ones who has multiple losses...never a moments peace.

Physically, the pain of a miscarriage is awful but emotionally it can be devastating. Not for everyone, sure. I've known some women who shake it off rather quickly, but I'm apparently not one of them. I had plans...names, ideas and images of how this little person would fit into our lives and home. They're gone now.

To make it all worse...this just sets off my anxiety. Trying to tell yourself that you're not going to bleed to death from a undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy is super fun. Trying to keep yourself awake, just in case also one of my favorite things. It makes you feel kind of crazy, that's for sure.

It just hurts. All of it.

Yes, I know that God is there and He has a plan. This doesn't shake my faith in Him. He is good and loving and He is here for me. But all the knowledge doesn't lessen the pain, I still get to experience all that.

Perhaps that's the miracle in all this? Despite the pain, grief and sorrow, my faith is still intact and I am even more sure of my Heavenly Father's and Savior's love for me. I have felt my Savior near me. Even in my devastation and grief He is there. I don't want to do this but I can if I have to.

But I really, really, really don't want to!

Robert Allen