I'm not ok.
I wanted this baby.
I'm relieved that at least we know what is happening.
I'm sad...so sad.
I feel so loved and supported by an incredible family, many friends and an amazing church family.
I'm angry that this is happening again after we took measures to prevent ever being here again.
I'm at peace knowing that my Heavenly Father is there and is in control.
I'm confused at why this happened and what I'm supposed to learn.
I'm confident that there is a purpose and I am not alone in this struggle.
There are so many conflicting emotions. Sometimes I think it's ok; That I'm ok. Then out of nowhere it hits me that I lost my baby. . .another one. And then it's not ok. This has brought all the emotions and struggle from Robert Allen's stillbirth and the 2 subsequent miscarriages back to the foreground. It's like reliving it all again. The desperate need to just mourn. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I don't want to have to focus on anything but my grief.
But then other times, I feel almost normal and I think, maybe it won't be so bad. I go about my life and day like there isn't anything going on. I can smile, laugh, joke, the same as always. But I suppose a large part of that is that it's hard for me to show my grief. It makes me vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable. It's so much easier to pretend that it's all ok and mourn and grieve in private. That way no one, including myself has to feel awkward when I burst into tears.
I think I'm just a mess. Physically, I'll heal very quickly. Emotionally, I'm not sure. This doesn't feel any different than when we lost Robert Allen and that took years to come to terms with . . . If I can even claim that I've done that.
And then, what is the appropriate amount of time to grieve? A week? A month? Years? I don't know and I doubt anyone else does either.
I am so grateful though that I have the gospel. The knowledge that my Savior is there, holding me through all of this. Even when I'm angry, even when it's directed at Him, He's there. And he can handle it. He understands because He has suffered all that I am suffering. Not just theoretically, but literally. He has felt every pain, sorrow and emotion that I am feeling and so He knows how to comfort me. And I know that He has promised that my family can be eternal including the babies I have lost, they are mine forever. I will hold them and raise them and love them. I will get to be the mother that I wasn't able to be here.
That doesn't make the pain of losing my babies less painful but it does make it bearable because I know that it will be made right. That is what the atonement was about; Fixing what couldn't or wouldn't be fixed here.
Although, if you want my opinion, it's just easier to not break it in the first place. On the bright side, I have walked this path before and I know that although it's hard (sooooo very, very hard) you do get through it. Not over it, mind you, but you do get through it. Eventually there will come a day where my thoughts and heart won't be consumed with grief. There will always be moments where I grieve but it won't be as all-encompassing as it is right now.
I will be ok.