Sunday, September 7, 2014

In This Moment...

I'm ok.
I'm not ok.

I wanted this baby. 
I'm relieved that at least we know what is happening.

I'm sad.
I feel so loved and supported by an incredible family, many friends and an amazing church family.

I'm angry that this is happening again after we took measures to prevent ever being here again.
I'm at peace knowing that my Heavenly Father is there and is in control.

I'm confused at why this happened and what I'm supposed to learn.
I'm confident that there is a purpose and I am not alone in this struggle.

There are so many conflicting emotions. Sometimes I think it's ok; That I'm ok. Then out of nowhere it hits me that I lost my baby. . .another one. And then it's not ok. This has brought all the emotions and struggle from Robert Allen's stillbirth and the 2 subsequent miscarriages back to the foreground. It's like reliving it all again. The desperate need to just mourn. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I don't want to have to focus on anything but my grief. 

But then other times, I feel almost normal and I think, maybe it won't be so bad. I go about my life and day like there isn't anything going on. I can smile, laugh, joke, the same as always. But I suppose a large part of that is that it's hard for me to show my grief. It makes me vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable. It's so much easier to pretend that it's all ok and mourn and grieve in private. That way no one, including myself has to feel awkward when I burst into tears. 

I think I'm just a mess. Physically, I'll heal very quickly. Emotionally, I'm not sure. This doesn't feel any different than when we lost Robert Allen and that took years to come to terms with . . . If I can even claim that I've done that. 

And then, what is the appropriate amount of time to grieve? A week? A month? Years? I don't know and I doubt anyone else does either. 

I am so grateful though that I have the gospel. The knowledge that my Savior is there, holding me through all of this. Even when I'm angry, even when it's directed at Him, He's there. And he can handle it. He understands because He has suffered all that I am suffering. Not just theoretically, but literally. He has felt every pain, sorrow and emotion that I am feeling and so He knows how to comfort me. And I know that He has promised that my family can be eternal including the babies I have lost, they are mine forever. I will hold them and raise them and love them. I will get to be the mother that I wasn't able to be here. 

That doesn't make the pain of losing my babies less painful but it does make it bearable because I know that it will be made right. That is what the atonement was about; Fixing what couldn't or wouldn't be fixed here. 

Although, if you want my opinion, it's just easier to not break it in the first place. On the bright side, I have walked this path before and I know that although it's hard (sooooo very, very hard) you do get through it. Not over it, mind you, but you do get through it. Eventually there will come a day where my thoughts and heart won't be consumed with grief. There will always be moments where I grieve but it won't be as all-encompassing as it is right now.

I will be ok. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

A Post I'd Never Thought I'd Write

Although Rob and I had lost 3 babies so far in our journey in creating our family, we had never thought we would ever have to face it again. After Eddie, my tubes were tied; we were done! 9 pregnancies and 6 living kids was all we could do. It wasn't so much the 6 kids (I would have had more, but Rob insisted that we had to stop at some point), it was going through the stress of a pregnancy after we'd lost 3 of them.

The worrying, the constant anxiety, the knowledge that there ISN'T a "safe" point in pregnancy. Never being able to just relax and enjoy the amazing process of creating life, but always wondering if that pain, cramp, tug, lack of movement, was the beginning of the end. A constant state of stress. We'd gotten Kailyn and Eddie here safely after losing 3 babies and we just couldn't do the emotional roller coaster again. So after much prayer we knew we were done and decided that tying my tubes was the right decision for us.

And that is where the story of our losses should have ended. All in the past. A 6 out of 9 success rate, 2/3 or 67%. Not great; A little less than the 80-85% success rate of the average woman, but really not bad.

And although I've written posts about our son, Robert Allen, and some of our journey through pregnancy loss, I've never actually blogged about it while it was happening because it all happened in my pre-blogging days. But today, that changes.

We are the 1.3%; the 13 out of 1000 who manage to get pregnant after a tubal ligation. Lucky us!!

Only, not lucky us because we are also part of the 60% who then suffer an ectopic pregnancy. Though to be fair we can't be positive it's ectopic, it may just be a miscarriage but either way, the odds weren't in our favor and we didn't beat them.

So now we have a failure rate of 40%. We have lost 4 out of our 10 babies. Almost half...

And it all took place in the space of 3 days. Not feeling well on Tuesday, positive test on Wednesday, then a drop in hcg levels and miscarriage today.

And I think it sucks.

Yeah, it REALLY sucks.

See, I didn't want anymore babies. I was content with the 6 I had here and the ones waiting in heaven. I was relieved to never have to change diapers, wake up every couple of hours to nurse and potty training! Oh, so glad that was DONE! Until I found out I was pregnant...then it changed. I wanted this baby. I wanted to have this pregnancy be successful. I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER BABY!!! And I had done everything in my power to make sure I would never have to, but here I am, going through it again.

Have I cried about it? Absolutely. The laying on the floor sobbing, curled in the fetal position for an hour BEGGING the Lord that you don't have to do this again, kind of crying. The kind were you feel like you're heart has been ripped out of your chest, and you know you don't look pretty like the girls in the movies who just have a few tears trickle from their not red eyes down their cheek past their not runny nose then drip silently on the ground kind of cry.

Yeah, that one.

But somewhere in all of it I have felt peace too. The kind where I know that my Heavenly Father is in control and although I didn't ask and don't want this trial (again) He's there. And maybe I will learn something from this? But at least I know I'll get through this...eventually....but I'm going to certainly have a very stern conversation with someone when I get to Heaven because I'm still going with, "This isn't fair!"

But then life isn't.

At least that's what I keep telling my kids when they whine that same line to me. But that's different and I feel like my life should be fair....and my definition of fair, thank you very much.

Mostly though I'm left with the one question that never seems to have an answer, at least in this life, and that is "Why?"

Not "Why me?"; 'Cause, why not me? Just "Why?"

Why did my tubal fail?
Why did I get pregnant?
Why did I lose the baby?
Why now?
Why couldn't the baby be ok?
Why is this happening again?
Why couldn't I have my miracle?

Lots of "Why's" and no really good answers for me....well, yet, anyway. Maybe someday but for now I just get to keep moving ahead, praying and searching and then someday it will all make sense even if it's not right here and right now.

So in the end, I'm somewhere between grief, anger, disappointment, peace and faith. It's not very pretty and depending on what I'm feeling in that moment it can be downright ugly.

And maybe my next post about it will be angry...or peaceful...or ugly....or encouraging...or maybe I'll never write about it again. Who knows? But that is just the process of grief. And right now, I'm feeling kind of bi-polar and can't decide how I feel.

Peaceful but devastated
Angry but accepting
Sad, just sad.

Now, excuse me while I go curl up on the floor and cry some more 'cause mostly...I just want my baby.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Happy 10th Birthday Joe!!

It's been a decade since we welcomed our sweet Josiah into our family and we've never regretted it! He is probably the goofiest out of all the kids and he's super smart on top of it. He loves to read but has a particular fond spot for Diary of  a Wimpy kid books as well as books about tanks.

Yep, tanks. As in the military machines that have tracks and great big guns and shoot stuff. In fact, he can identify lots of tanks by sight. I especially get a kick out of finding a picture of one and asking what it is, when it was used and what makes it special. He'll all be like, "That's an M2D2 RX Pansy Shooter with 32 foot thick armor plating and a gun that can shoot atomic bomb bullet missiles 47,000 miles and was used in World War 27 by the GerBritMericanese Army Marine Navy Corp." Although his info is a little more factual than that. It truly fascinates me how much he knows about them!

He loves school and his teachers and does well there, getting execellent grades and making friends. He can be very sensitive and likes to make people happy...although he also has an incredible ability to tease and push people's buttons too! We are so blessed to have him in our family and I thank our Heavenly Father for sending him to us!

And, now for the interview portion of this post:

All About Me
1. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? Mom
2 What is your favorite color? Pink 
3. What is your favorite show?Star Wars
4. What is your favorite thing to wear? Motorcycle shirt
5. What song do you love best? "I'm Glad You Came" Halo Version
6. What's your favorite breakfast?  Cocoa Puffs
7. Who's your best friend? Finnegan
8. What do you want to be when you grow up? Police Officer
9. What's your favorite book? "What Would Joey Do"
10. What are you really good at? Soccer
11. Where do you want to go on vacation? Omaha
12. What would you buy if you had $1000? A Wii, Xbox 360 and games! 
13. What is you best memory? Going to Disney World
14. What vegetable do you hate the most? Broccoli
15. What would you wish for? Infinity Wishes
16. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cookie Dough
17. Who is your biggest hero? Dad
18. What do you like to do with your friends? Play soccer
19. What is your favorite sport? Soccer
20. What would you like to do before your next birthday? Ride on bumper cars and go karts.

And now his perceptions of us:

All about my Mom
1. How old is your Mom? 34
2. What is your Mom's favorite color? Purple
3. What is your Mom's favorite food? Pizza
4. How tall is your Mom? 6 foot 5 inches
5. What shoe size does she wear? 9 1/2
6. What is her favorite TV show? Dance Moms
7. What time does your Mom wake up in the morning? 7 or 7:20 am
8. What does you Mom do while you're at school? Go to the gym, feed corbin, sleep and work.
9. What is your Mom's first name? Jennifer
10. What do you like best about your mom? That she loves me!

All about my Dad
1. How old is your dad? 38
2. How much does dad weigh? 112lbs
3. What is Dad's favorite food? Mexican Turkey Roll Ups
4. How strong is your Dad? He can lift 170 lbs. 
5. What's Dad's job? He works at Kansas Department of Transportation
6. What does Dad do at work? Design Roads
7. What is your favorite thing to do with Dad? Play soccer
8. How tall is your Dad? 6 foot 8 inches
9. What do you like best about your Dad? That he's fun and funny!
10. What is your Dad's first name? Robert


Robert Allen